“Parents, do not treat your children in such a way as to make them angry. Instead, raise them with Christian discipline and instruction.” Ephesians 6:4
Shola butted heads with her mum from the age of fourteen to eighteen. Going off to college brought the much needed space and distance they both desperately required. Looking back now at 25, she agrees they could both have done so much better.
Signs you are a controlling Mother
- It is your way or no other way.
- You have all the answers.
- You like the sound of your own voice.
- You are a dictator, and your children are afraid of you.
- Your children inwardly have no respect for you, and occasionally show it.
- You prefer to shout, scream and are incapable of having a conversation with your children.
Sample Management Methods for Mothers
Try not to make a fuss: If you want your child to get something done, focus on the task and not when it was done. Does it really matter if they tidied up their room on Saturday, when you wanted it done on Wednesday? Do not hammer on the unnecessary stuff. ‘Do everything without grumbling or arguing’ (Philippians 2:14).
Relax your mind: Yes! There are gangs, murderers, rapists, drug dealers and other dangers in the world. But why do you always think your child will be a victim? Prayer works wonders for anxious parents and sets a covering of protection. Pray more and worry less. Locking them up indoors, refusing to let them out, choosing friends for them, will only build up resentment and stunt their development. ‘Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you’ (Psalm 9:10).
Put yourself in their shoes: Reflect on your own youth. While you certainly wish to spare them from your past mistakes, do not become overly fixated on error prevention to the extent that you overlook highlighting the positive and vibrant aspects of adolescence. What you truly desire is a confident child prepared to face the world’s challenges. Over pampering, over sheltering, over protection and harshness will get you nowhere, and will only damage your children. ‘Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it’ (Proverbs 22:6).
Home is where the heart is: They say chickens leave the nest but come back home to roost. If your children feel loved and home is a comfortable haven, they are more likely to have a sense of belonging and long to come back. If the reverse is the case, they will constantly feel the need to leave or run away and find acceptance elsewhere. This is not good for either party because the home forms a major part of childhood memories. Instead of filling it with regret and bitter resentment, try your best to make home a wonderful memory for your children. ‘My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest’ (Isaiah 32:18).
Strike the right balance: Know there is a difference between punishment and torture, while there is a line between correction and verbal cruelty. To ensure a balanced approach, tailor discipline to your child’s age and the seriousness of the offense, while also considering existing laws of the land. ‘No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it’ (Hebrews 12:11).
The bible: Encourage your children to read, study and meditate on the book of proverbs. They are for ‘gaining wisdom and instruction; for understanding words of insight; for receiving instruction in prudent behavior, doing what is right and just and fair; for giving prudence to those who are simple, knowledge and discretion to the young’ (Proverbs 1:1-4).
Please give Mummy a break
There is no hard and fast rule for being a mother because children do not come with a manual. This is why mothers mut pray and seek guidance from the holy spirit concerning their children. Each child is unique and requires individualized care, as what works for one may not work for another. Just before you give up on the mother-daughter relationship, take a moment to empathize with your mother. Have you ever considered that she is also a person with fears, limitations, challenges, hopes, dreams, disappointments? Some of your behaviors and actions might drive her up the wall, just as hers may sometimes frustrate you. Let us consider the few below.
- You often pull your mother’s emotional strings just so you can have your own way.
- You think you know, and that gives you the license to square up with your mother.
- You believe you are getting older, and freedom means you no longer need parental control.
- You have reached puberty, which is a sign that you are now an adult.
- You feel you are in a no-win situation, so you have become deaf and blind to your mother.
Sample Management Methods for Youths
Explore other communication channels
If you find it difficult to communicate with your mother, consider confiding in a responsible and trusted adult, like a youth pastor. This can help avoid open confrontation that may escalate into something unpleasant. “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).
Just Do It: Most youths struggle with obedience. Peer influence becomes more significant during adolescence, often leading youths to prioritize social acceptance over authority figures such as parents and teachers. Disobedience and defiance are rampant during this period, but since teens may lack the maturity and foresight to understand the consequences of their actions, obedience serves as a gatekeeper. “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth’ (3John 1:4).
Be Conscious: Growing up in Christ puts you at a greater advantage, just ask Daniel the exile from Judah. His deep resolve, self-discipline, devotion to God, self-development, the excellent spirit, and many skills turned him into a force to be reckoned with. Why settle for mediocrity when greatness lies within you? When your parents stress responsibility, manners, respect for rules, chores, boundaries, accountability, and zero tolerance for traits such as dishonesty or theft, they are steering you towards maturity and a brighter future. While the journey may be tough, its rewards are invaluable. ‘Do not forsake your mother’s teaching. They are a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck’ (Proverbs 1:8b-9).
Gain Understanding: Instead of feeling caged and controlled by rules, learn to see rules as a guide for your journey in life. Parents have a duty by God to raise their children in a Godly way. Likewise, if your parents were not pleased with their growing up years, they may see raising their children as a second chance to get things right. It is a kind of tough love which you will understand as you grow older. ‘A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom, but a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother’ (Proverbs 29:15).
Family is Everything: Cherish the moments. Yes, I mean all of them both the highs and the lows …. they will not last forever because parents do not live forever. When they are gone, and there is no one to pull strings with, it all becomes silent and empty. Then, you will be surprised to discover you miss the disagreements and their presence. So, remember to live, laugh, and love while you still can. ‘If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand’ (Mark 3:25).
Love is all Around: I suppose most parents tend to view their children as just that—’their children’—and not as adults. Could this be at the root of the conflicts? You strive to assert your independence to parents who will always see you as ‘their child.; As absurd as it may seem, there’s truth in it. Think of it as a unique form of parental affection. You will not fully grasp it until you have children of your own. ‘Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him” (Psalm 127:3).
The mother-daughter relationship is one of the most rewarding relationships. Hand it over to Jesus, and let it blossom in Christ. Happy Mother’s Day.
Prayers
- The peace of God, be our portion in my family in Jesus name.
- Power to love selflessly, fall on every member of my family in Jesus name.
- The wrong roads of life, I command you to reject me in Jesus name.
- My present actions will not disgrace my future in Jesus name.
- Wisdom from on high, direct my career path, in Jesus name.
- Holy spirit, heal the relationship between my mother and I in Jesus name.
- I refuse to inherit the mistakes of my parents in Jesus name.
- I decree that my choice of life partner will not ruin my glorious destiny, in Jesus name.
- All unfriendly friends which the enemy wants to use against me, scatter in Jesus name.
- Father Lord, deliver me from sexual sins in Jesus name.
