Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. Romans 12:19
If a Christian marriage begins to experience conflict, there are biblical ways of conflict resolution such that, divorce is not the first option. So, let us move on to the second course, marital sanitation.
Domestic violence exists among couples in your church. Some families who attend church services are hurting and need a desperate solution. Do not ignore the signs, do not turn a blind eye or deaf ear to their plight. Domestic violence is defined by the Office on Violence Against Women (OVW)as ‘a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, or technological actions or threats of actions or other patterns of coercive behavior that influence another person within an intimate partner relationship. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.’ However, both women and men can be victims of domestic abuse. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline statistics, approximately 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men over the age of 18 have been the victim of physical domestic violence, and almost 50% of both sexes have experienced some form of domestic psychological aggression.
Domestic Violence can be tricky to discuss among Christians because we are dedicated to preserving the institution of marriage. Therefore, quick fix solutions such as “go back and be a better wife,” “be submissive,” “have more faith,” “God does not give us what we cannot handle,” ‘keep on praying,’ ‘have more love,’ ‘be more patient’ sometimes brush over potentially dangerous situations within the family. This unfortunately means couples who need counselling, and an intervention are made to stay married even though things are not working. Although nobody can be fully prepared for marriage, understanding how to handle and resolve conflict is crucial prior to entering into the commitment of marriage.
Recognizing the Signs
How can you tell if domestic abuse is going on in your church, especially if neither party has come forward for prayer, counselling or spoken up? Here are some signs to watch out for although sometimes the signs are absent.
-Violent reaction of anger and frustration to each other…. even in public.
-Neglect of physical appearance.
-Family cold war i.e., silent warfare.
-Lack of interest in each other.
-Avoiding each other.
-Pretending all is well in public.
-Reduced or increased attendance at services.
-Hatred or dislike for each other.
-Withdrawn or disruptive children.
-Physical signs such as scars, cuts, bumps.
A learning moment
The church, in its commitment to serving the vulnerable, is charged with delivering sermons and programs that focus on the Christian home while cautioning, guiding, and educating families and intending couples on domestic violence. Similarly, it should promote loving leadership from Christian men that fosters Godly submission from Christian women, as it is the distortion of these roles that often lead to marital discord and strife. Additionally, measures should be implemented to support victims of domestic abuse, including providing opportunities for them to temporarily break away from dangerous situations, offering financial assistance, emotional support, and spiritual guidance through prayer and the scriptures, coupled with knowledge of existing laws guiding marriage. Finally, marital counselling before and after marriage must be adopted to serve as a divine guide and sustenance.
How to perform a marital sanitation
- Remove from your life all the things your partner does not like.
- Build up the things in you that your partner likes.
- Recognize your faults, own up to them, ask for pardon instead of justifying them.
- Take the first initiative towards reconciliation regardless of who is wrong.
- Eliminate criticisms that are not constructive.
- Praise what is good in your partner.
- Confess love in word and deed.
- When disagreement arises, stop, and pray.
- Control yourself and never raise your voice.
- Always identify issues and never be sidetracked to other points of irritation.
- Do not reopen old wounds.
- Always finish discussions and do not allow crying, anger or turning over to go to sleep to amputate discussions.
- Avoid destructive exaggeration and name calling because they create deep wounds.
- Always maintain effective communication and a healthy prayer life.
- Deal with conflicts as soon as possible after they occur.
- Be willing to admit when you are wrong.
- Ensure that all conflicts end with an act of forgiveness.
- Avoid blaming the other person but accept responsibility for your own contribution to the conflict.
- Always remember your marital vows and promises.
Honey for your Marriage
With such alarming statistics of divorce, the Christian marriage must be an exception to the rule. While making a marriage successful is undoubtedly challenging, divorce should not be viewed as the solution. Marital problems can be solved without any attendant trauma that will haunt you and your family for years. Christians in marriage should not divorce or separate, instead they gain deep spiritual knowledge, and prayerfully take steps to make their marriage work. Pray the prayers below for a rewarding marital journey in Christ.
Prayers
- I bind the spirit of marriage destruction in Jesus name.
- Father give me power over angry outbursts that achieve nothing in Jesus name.
- Holy Spirit help me to avoid useless quarrels that tire and wound in Jesus name.
- Whatever and whoever will not let me enjoy my marriage I command you to go in Jesus name.
- Holy Spirit overshadow my marriage in Jesus name.
- Blood of Jesus erect safeguards over my marriage in Jesus name.
- Power of God transform my marriage into heaven on earth in Jesus name.
- Father Lord let peace flow like a river into my marriage in Jesus name.
- Holy Spirit help me to make the proper corrections in my marriage in Jesus name.
- My marriage will not be put asunder by the power of the Holy Ghost in Jesus name.
Scriptures for conflict resolution
- Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you (Colossians 3:13).
- If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other (Galatians 5:15).
- And do everything with love (1 Corinthians 16:14).
- And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:7).
- Let bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you (Ephesians 4:31-32).
Partly adapted from the sermon “The Home Under Fire” and the book ‘Prayer Rain’ by Daniel Olukoya, General Overseer of MFM Worldwide.
